Ella Langley & Panda Poop Tea
MY IMAGINARY PROM PICTURE WITH COUNTRY TORCH SINGER — Ella Langley. I'm beginning to suspect that my likeness with Ella was Photoshopped out. / Wm. S. Hart High School Prom Committee
IT’S SAFE TO SAY THAT 99.999999999% OF US WHO USE A COMPUTER DAILY for our work are easily distracted. In the midst of the mind-melting tedium of employment, self or imposed, our digits often wander from tasks at hand to explore a YouTube video on “Rugby’s Most Fatal Head-Dislodging Hits!” or “Country Sweetheart Ella Langley’s Fetching Smile — Among Other Things.”
I googled “Ella Langley Marries John Boston.” Trillions and trillions of sites and the best Artificial Intelligence can come up with as an answer is: “Sorry, no relevant information was found in our search.”
Liars.
I’m smitten with Ella. Despite the Spring/Winter age difference and an inherent prejudice from AI damning our relationship, I feel the Hope Hull, Alabama torch singer and I have much in common. I’m well aware. Sigh. Like the other loves of my life (numerical evidence available upon request for Signal subscribers only), readers will urgently point out, “John. JOHN! FOCUS!! Don’t do it! Sure Ella’s gorgeous and sultry, but, SHE’S NO GOOD FOR YOU!!” I appreciate the intervention, and — honestly? Despite my affection, I hear you. Odds are good that Ella Langley and I will not be attending the upcoming Hart High (forever home of The Mighty Indians and NOT the Lowly Chicken Hawks) Senior Prom, at least, in this lifetime.
TEA — Served with a splash of panache, as it should be. / courtesy, John Boston Books Tea Museum.
Which naturally leads us to the topic of tea.
JOHN WAYNE — tea drinker. / John Boston family album
Pretty much, on any given day, I have 11,006 tasks to accomplish. Since forever, I start my days with a giant mug of hot, highly caffeinated tea with two tablespoons of sugar and splash of lemon. I’ve been drinking tea since I was a kid. I’d make myself a daily big thermos to help get me through second grade. I know. I know. The childhood unsupervised. Chapter 51 in my next novel waits patiently for birth. I have to disappear through a time warp to research my Signal newspaper columns. The beast with the undying hunger — social media marketing — waits to be fed which left just 11,003 things to do. Instead? What la-la-land dimension did I drift into? I attempted to figure out how much tea I’ve drank/drunken/drinked in my lifetime. I also found out whence tea originated.
Addicted as I am, I’m prejudice and would scoff at any other answer except, Tea Comes From Heaven.
JERRY SEINFELD & THE BEATLES — Who also drink tea. / courtesy, ‘Entertainment Fans of Tea Monthly
It originates from an evergreen shrub, Camellia sinensis, native to East Asia. But, there’s tea from India, Iran, Korea, Turkey, Kenya — even Argentina. An ancient fable going back 5,000 years tells of a Chinese emperor, possibly the first vegan, who was about to enjoy a cup of hot water. Shennong was sitting by a large tea tree when a soft breeze blew some leaves into his cup. Being a vegan who’ll eat anything suspiciously stupid, he drank the brown water and found it delightful. Over the centuries, tea-drinking spread around the world. It’s embedded in the very foundation of America. Apologies up front if you have a public school education, but, remember the Boston Tea Party of 1773? Colonial caffeine aficionados, dressed as Indians, tossed cases of the dried leaves into Boston Harbor in protest of England’s tax-related Tea Act and that’s how we became the good old USA.
CLINT EASTWOOD, STEPHEN FRY, HARRISON FORD & TOM SELLECK — Yet more people guilty of enjoying tea. / Board of Directors, Irrawaddy Steamship Navigation & Tea Export Company
Americans consume more than 84 billion servings of tea each year. That works out to approximately 3.8 billion gallons, which, if it were one person, would mean lots of trips to the bathroom. Most of the tea we drink is iced, making up 85% of total consumption and we’re not even close to per capita tea drinking compared to other countries. Heavens. Sri Lanka drinks the most tea in the world with 48 kilograms per year. Compare that to the U.S.’s .05 kilograms per person per year. Are you writing this down?
PANDA POOP TEA, DON’T ASK WHERE IT COMES FROM — Despite all the hijinx in this report, China actually makes a type of “tea” made from the diaper-part of pandas. It costs $3,000 a pound and we’re praying those commie so-&-so’s are not trying to slip our president Donald J. Trump a hefty mug while he’s visiting China. / courtesy, Society of American Friends of Lipton Tea
Here’s something for you sissy herbal tea drinkers. Herb tea isn’t tea. It’s technically a tisane, or, herbal infusion. I’m not making this one up. There’s actually an herb tea called Panda Poop Tea and one of its ingredients is, yick, panda do-do. It’s expensive, too, costing you about $220 a dainty, grandmotherly cup (not a manly mug). I’m telling you. Lousy Democrats and their ways.
In Taiwan, which is supposed to be our ally, tea growers use small insects called leafhoppers to bite their tea leaves, which is not any sort of sexual innuendo. This stimulates the plant’s defense mechanism, causing the “tea” leaf to release compounds that then emits a sweet, fruity flavor. I learned that in Russia, they sip tea through a spoonful of jam.
Childish dumbbell socialists.
I had actual Buy Food/Pay The Rent work to do. Instead? I began calculating how much tea I’ve personally consumed over the years.
Easily, I drink a quart a day, hot or iced. That works out to about 11,680 ounces yearly and since I’ve been drinking that much since I was 7, that’s roughly 800,000 ounces or 6,000 gallons. Good grief, I’ve ingested enough tea to fill a tiny plastic swimming pool, like the kind everyone in Somalia now has. Okay. That’s not the staggering data. I sweeten each big mug of tea with two heaping tablespoons of sugar.
A STATISTIC MOST SWEET — I wasted some time the other day on the computer, figuring out that in my lifetime, I’ve consumed 37.5% of the weight of a prehistoric ground sloth in sugar alone. That sugar intake does not include cake, candy and baby talk. / courtesy, Sloth Magazine Monthly
I figured, this lifetime? I’ve consumed 1,500 pounds of sugar in my tea alone. Forget your typical quarter horse. That’s enough to build a svelte Clydesdale. I googled some more. That’s also enough sugar to build a teenage Megatherium americanum, our prehistoric ground sloth, which, full-grown, can weigh up to four tons. More number crunching? I’d have to live to about 280 years old to consume four tons of sugar in my tea.
Hm. I wonder.
How much toast do you think I’ve eaten since birth? Well. Lean back in my swivel chair, pat my tummy and let’s find out…
