Bad Bunny, Roger Goodell & The All-Polish, All-Gay & All-Somalian Super Bowl National Anthem

SINGING IT LIKE IT IS — Will NFL commish Roger Goodell (left) and his band, Roger & The Good-Dells, perform the White Tall Guy National Anthem to kick off the next Super Bowl?

Dear Mr. Roger Stokoe Goodell, National Football League Commissioner:

While I didn’t watch last Sunday’s Super Bowl, I take digits to keyboard this fine morning to commend you for the recent courageous choice you made. It was the singing of the Black National Anthem pre-kickoff. I’m not sure who played in Super Bowl LX (Gay Acapulco State vs. ICE-Free Minneapolis?). But, I’m confident that it was an actual Black person and not you who sang the Black National Anthem.

Sorry. I’m white. Approaching middle age. I confess, I don’t know the lyrics to the Black National Anthem nor the song’s title. I do hope against hope, that it was, “Papa Was A Rolling Stone,” by the 1972 group, Undisputed Truth. Same year? The Temptations rerecorded it and I’m still humming one of Moe Town’s greatest offerings while doing the White Man’s Overbite Dance.

I also applaud you on your efforts to broaden the market to more people to enjoy the NFL. Good hustle on fixing the Super Bowl this year to represent two, left-leaning population centers — Seattle and New England. Geez, Rog. What happened? Did the capitol city of Pyongyang in North Korea and Havana have AYSO soccer practice Super Bowl weekend and couldn’t participate?

Anywho. Back to the Black National Anthem (“My Girl?”). I ask that next year, you boldly use this momentum gained by incorporating other ethnic national anthems to kick off next year’s Super Bowl. As a member of targeted hatred by America and its institutions, I’m asking that you book someone to sing:

The Slightly Tall Older

White Men National Anthem.

I’d be happy to sing it. Here. Someone give me a little lead guitar in the key of R-ruptured flat:

“Oooo-ooohhhh… Truth shall be told — I’m tall, white and old. There’s great things to be done — my ex-wives weigh, a metric ton…”

SPEAKING OF MULTI-TONNED EX-WIVES — It’s rumored that part of next year’s Super Bowl halftime entertainment will be that hit Vermont bluegrass group, The Annoying Karens.

Excuse me, Rog. We just got the first frothing note in the comments section…

Dear Mr. Boston:

How DARE you. You and your pasty-skinned people don’t DESERVE a national anthem. We’ve toiled under American oppression for thousands of years and were kept as slaves by the Anasazi, who predate Native Americans, just because we knew the secret to making a smack-dab delicious recipe for a delicate and succulent Pleistocene bison pastry smothered in barbecue sauce. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WE TAUGHT THE INDIANS HOW TO PLAY FIELD HOCKEY!!! If any peoples deserve their own national anthem, it’s us.

Sincerely,

Pastor Moe Mentum,

President, The National Congress of Swegroes (Half-Swedish, Half-Negro)

Thanks, Your Reverence. I’ll bounce it by Goodell.

Anyway, back to you, Roger. I suffer from being slightly tall. I’m 6-1-&-3/4. And whiter than a nude Vanilla Ice hugging Steve Martin. I used to play basketball for Addidas and faced five years of discrimination. Sixty percent of the team identified as, or were, actually, Black. I identified as a  6-foot-8 Croatian power forward, but, management (Mrs. Karen von Karen, white soccer mom) forced me to play point guard, which meant every game, I literally had to run five miles less than the other guys. By game’s end, I hadn’t developed a sweat. The other fellas? They accused me of loafing. Plus, I don’t mean to sound conspiratorial, but, it seemed like the Black players were meeting secretly somewhere and constantly developing their own, new, pre-game handshakes, which, depending on the day of the week, may have included bumping bottoms, which, I am not allowed to do due to my religion (Southern Baptist, unpaid intern). All I had to offer was the traditional, warm, easy-to-execute and sincere White Chamber of Commerce/Amen-Boy Howdy pre-center court jump handshake. Fortunately, our second-string center was a Christian and ex-All-American at Howard University. Taking pity on me, we’d sit on the bench’s end and he feigned interest in learning my people’s greeting, which isn’t that hard.

So, you can see the living hell my life has been.

Besides building the entire United States of America all by ourselves while women and ethnics just watched, the achievements of Slightly Tall White Men (good band name!) are legion. We invented the ball bearing, latex house paint, the suppository, The Infield Fly Rule and jazz.

There are Black detractors who will claim THEY invented jazz.

They’re lying.

TRUTH BE KNOWN — We set loose our John Boston-Books.com crack research team. Checking with ChatGBT, it turns out ROBOTS invented jazz, not Black people…

It’s been no secret, Roger, that, adept businessman you are, you’ve been leading the NFL to broaden its international appeal. Confidently, you’ve figured that your base audience (me and Slightly Tall White Men) will watch pro football no matter what, even if it’s Rosie O’Donnell playing the Jets.

In the nude.

It’s vital to expand the NFL. Roger. I salute you for boldly going after non-traditional viewers, like girls, Democrats, Mennonites and al-Qaida.

Next year, the NFL should expand your pre-game, half-time and post-game shows, which already surpass a Jupiter orbital year, to include musical tributes to the various ethnic, socio-political stereotyped enclaves. Sung to the Star Spangled Banner, here are some examples:

MEXICANS: “Oooo-ooohhhh… (73-minutes of self-indulgent macho 12-string guitar strumming and a few ‘¡olays!’) Carnals we do rule, and you white booger-eating gabacho devils all drool…”

ASIANS: “Oooo-ooohhhhh… We’d like to learn Super Bowl’s fate, but alas today we — all —must — work — late…”

POLISH LESBIANS: “Oooo-ooohhhhh… Confused are we again, we seem to like men…”

SOMALIANS: Oooo-ooohhhhh… “Chew my food for me, please, Homeland Security and MAGA Republicans have fleas…”

“FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA!” — Now EVERYBODY sing!! Another rumored musical group the NFL plans to sign for the next Super Bowl halftime show is the popular Hamas quartet, Def-2-Jews!

Well. Kindest regards. Good luck in continuing to divide the country because, you know what happens when we come together — we just quarrel.

Oh. And Roger? Please? Pass along what the Puerto Rican crooner, Bad Bunny, sang (in Spanish) during that touching tribute to your mom at the recent Super Bowl halftime show:

“Su mama no tiene zapatos y no hacia bien en su SAT…”

Or, as we like to sing in English:

“Your mother owns no shoes and did poorly on her SAT’s…”

Publishing (for money!) nearly 12,000 columns, blogs and essays and another 150,000-plus stories, John Boston is the most prolific satirists/humorist in world history. Winner of the Will Rogers Lifetime Achievement Award to go with 119 major writing awards, he is one of America’s top newspaper columnists.

SAD FOOTNOTE…

The NFL announced today that Puerto Rican rapper Bad Bunny will be unable to attend next year’s Super Bowl halftime performance as he will be in hiding from the Trump Administration’s CIA.