That Unscratchable Itch For Self-Destruction
THE CONCEPT THAT WE CARRY WITHIN US the seeds to our own self-destruction is certainly not a new concept. The novelist James Baldwin once noted the sentiment, as did Star Trek The Next Generation’s Captain Jean-Luc Picard and countless thinkers going back to at least the ancient Greeks.
I’m sure all philosophers great to small would have smacked themselves on the forehead, offered a heavy sigh and the question, “How many retard sandwiches have YOU been eating?” had they met James Farthing.
The Kentuckian just won a $167-million state lotto. Since then? Jimbo’s been arrested four times for breaking-and-entering, along with theft, assault, drug possession, other charges and if it was a felony to break The Infield Fly Rule, I’d bet Jimmy did that, too.
THE HAPPY FAMILY — From left, Farthing’s mom, Farthing and his girlfriend, all multi-millionaires. / courtesy, Fox News
The lotto is a strange creature, isn’t it? You can cite a number on any lotto jackpot and still. No one on the planet actually knows how much you’ll end up pocketing. Still. As far as a payday goes, unless you have to buy gasoline in California, the state that Gavin Newsom and the Commie/Democrats have run so swimmingly, that kind of money will last you for weeks on end and that includes you buying an $18 candy bar at the gas station concession stand. You just won 17% of a billion bucks. Unless next, you go out and marry unwisely, or donate it to The Campaign To Elect Eric Swalwell For California Governor, you’re set for life. So. Why would you death-wish it and get yourself arrested not once, not twice, not thrice, but four times? Is it you don’t like fresh air and privacy? You’d rather be inhaling body odor from the 400-pound ax murderer on the tiny cell bunk a few inches above you? Is it because you — LIKE — being woken up at 5 a.m. to march in formation with The Shiv Patrol to eat Egg Substitute Surprise and warm 2% pull-dated milk instead of lobster sushi, fed to you by a fetching actress?
HAPPIER DAYS — Farthing, sporting a winning smile. / AP
I don’t know what’s wrong with James Farthing of Kentucky. Now. Granted. The 51-year-old didn’t win the entire $167 million jackpot all by his lonesome. He shared the lottery ticket with his mom and girlfriend, which sort of explains the adjective, “Kentuckian.” So. Take $167 million and divide by three. Do the math with me. Three oughts are ought, carry your one, or, if you have lower back issues, pay someone to carry the ought for you and you’ve still got a neat $56 million. Rough math again, after taxes, you’re left with about a third of that — or about $19 million. Let’s say you’ve got the absolute world’s dumbest and most criminally inept financial advisor west of the Appalachia. Your money wizard, in dumbbellesque fashion, nets you just 1% interest on the gross of $19 million investment every year. Not touching the principle, that’s still 190,000 bucks a year to stumble by on, or, roughly, a clear, take-home of about $3,700 a week.
Can one live on $3,700 a week? After all bills paid, that’s roughly, $500 a day? I know. I know. That’s a hooker, laundry detergent and two Signal subscriptions (one for a.m., one for p.m.).
A few days ago, Farthing was caught on security cameras, busting down a door in Lexington. Reportedly, he swiped $12,000. He spent the money on gambling and weed. It was his FOURTH ARREST since winning the April, 2025 lottery.
The math gets fuzzier in that Farthing, his mom and his girlfriend (Sign of The Cross, Star of David, Hari Krishna hari hari I HOPE they’re NOT all romantically involved) still haven’t decided whether to take it in 29 yearly payments, or, one lump sum of a miserly $77 million.
AFTER TAXES, THE LOTTERY’S CUT, MORE TAXES AND HIDDEN GOVERNMENT VOODOO CHARGES — It’s still mighty darn nice to have several million dollars jingling around in one’s pockets. / File Photo
Have the stomach for more math?
Farthing would STILL get a payout of about $25 million. It ain’t much, but, I know for me, I’d be able to get the truck painted. And I’m guessing the smart thing would be to take the $25 million because I strongly suspect the jungle that the unforgiving universe can be, Farthing wouldn’t be around to collect his last payment 29 years hence when he’s 80. Farthing’s mom, in 29 years? She’d be 93. Her millions would buy a lot of easy-chew senior graham crackers.
Some people and their alleged brains. I just can’t fathom, being financially not just set, but with a permanent address on Easy Street and doing something so profoundly stupid as pulling off four lame felonies. In front of witnesses. And surveillance cameras. With a car stuffed with evidence. Oh. Throw in a confession for good measure while you’re at it.
I don’t know who’s dumber, either, Farthing or our justice system. One of his felonies was for beating up a hotel guest AND punching a cop (in the face). Farthing got off on the two felonies by paying just a $1,000 fine.
That old adage that we carry within us the seeds to our own self-destruction? James Farthing? He carried within him his own cyanide, hangman’s noose, banana peel to place on the ledge of the skyscraper roof he’s standing on, a Good-Bye Cruel World suicide note and a “Bite Me Here” groin sign for the next arresting K-9 police attack dog.
James Farthing not only had enough Acme Self Destruction Seeds to kill Wile E. Coyote dead 42 times over, but, pretty much wipe out happiness in any of his next 1,784 reincarnations.
NOTE TO SELF: Do not commit four felonies after winning multi-million-dollar lotto . . .
