The Last Ayatollah of Iran’s Letter to President Donald J. Trump

HERE SITS PRIVATE BOB ALI — waiting for a ride to Switzerland to meet with Donald J. Trump. Bob’s the last surviving member of the Iranian Revolutionary Guards and has some tough demands for the American president. / Freepik

DEAR PRESIDENT TRUMP — Hi! I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Bob. Bob Ali. Subordinate Holy Lance Private and The People’s Most Blindingly Revered Ayatollah No. 37, Supreme Leader Of Iran. I suspect that I’m the highest ranking officer left in The Republican National Guard. Except for the Sparklet’s guy,  I haven’t seen anyone in a uniform since Monday. Oh. Also? My cell phone’s out. Heck, Mr. Trump. Everyone’s cell phone is out.

As I’m sure from your position as president of the running dog slurping hyena dog dog-food-eating bloodthirsty capitalist dog nation of America (my deceased sergeant’s words, not mine), you’ve noticed that Iran’s goose-stepping military are, this very moment, still kicking your American asterisk until your collective nose bleeds. Do let me know when you guys are ready to surrender. I’m on the midnight janitorial shift so I kinda sleep funny hours. When I woke up under a foot of ash, concrete and a dented take-out tin of Pita and Tabouli (our military’s dietary staple, not your famous Vegas lounge act), I discovered I’m the last person left in Iran’s government. Someone left The How-To-Run-Tehran manual on my dusty bunk. First thing to do in case our previous administration of terrorists, bullies, louts, liars, hypocrites and bloated bureaucrats was vaporized?

Strike a deal with America.

As you may recall, the Islamic Republic has always been a world-leader in peace, freedom and cooperation with our neighbors, be they some next-door-neighbor inferior followers of our spiritual principles or, you guys in the U.S., unwashed, booger-eating Christian infidels that you are. I know. I know. You just can’t help yourselves.

Anywho.

The manual says that as the new Ayatollah of rock & rolla, I’m supposed to ask you guys in America to come begging to our superior and peace-loving empire to strike an accord. I’m guessing that’s the treaty, not the upscale Honda sedan. I’ve been left with 10 points that are entirely non-negotiable. In no particular order, they are as follows:

1) A formal apology, like, on your Satan-like knobby knees. Again, it’s not me. But, you’ll need to renounce Christianity, Judaism, Mormonism, Taylor Swift, other lesser religions, like Presbyterianism, and, no tricks this time, your solemn promise, verifiable by international inspections, that you’ve burned everyone in your so-called Chamber of Commerce. Chamber of really boring luncheons with the cucumber sandwiches and watered-down white wine is more like it.

2) We’re un-fudging on this one. We’ll stop building atomic bombs if you promise, once a year, to just blow up one (1) major American population center yourselves. The Palmdale/Lancaster area does not count.

3) While you fools in the West don’t go in for random executions, we demand that every 60 days, starting Saturday, you have to punch a random American Jewish person in the nose. Let’s start with Mel Brooks.

4) Remember Barack Obama? Please pass along that we hope he’s enjoying his vast estate in the Hamptons that we provided and please remember to continue airlifting billions of dollars in cash on wooden pallets to us here in Persia. Also. Please send one (1) large bulldozer to level off something passing as an airstrip.

MONEY’S FOR NOTHIN’? — Hmmm. Question. Did ALL that cash loaded on pallets for Iran or did the former president just get a really good deal from Home Depot on that estate in the Hamptons? / courtesy, Joe Biden Presidential Mobile Library

5) If and when we can find someone to attend the next United Nations meeting, we demand that your U.N. ambassador, Waltz, quit responding to everything we say at the U.N. with — “I know you are, but what am I?”

5A) RE: THE ABOVE? That would be MIKE Waltz, not that knucklehead governor of Minnesota, TIM Walz, the guy too dumb, lazy or easily distracted to add the proper, “t” to his own last name.

6) Since your puny, inept bombing, we sorta ran out of food. Please send your McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets (the 3.6-million box, with 2.8 million little hot mustard sauces). We may still have left alive some government food tasters left alive so don’t try and be cute and send McDonald’s Pork McNuggets. Also, send that feisty FOX News contributor/temptress, Emily Compagno. In a skimpy cheerleader outfit (and, of course, proper face coverings). Don’t try and send Rosie O’Donnell, instead of Emily. We’re not supposed to, but we DO peek under the veils.

7) Deal breaker? Don’t even THINK about deporting your Michigan Democrat congresswoman Rashida Tlaib anywhere CLOSE to the Middle East. That woman could use three veils and a bucket. As your Curly Joe of your Three Stooges once aptly put it, “Gnyah…! Gnyah…! Gnyah…!”

BOMBS, NOT BURGERS? — Will the hard-line clerics of Iran return to power, trading bread, water and the people’s free market Whoopie Cushions for atomic bombs? / Freepik

8) Please be so kind as to send us a few hundred hyper bombers and jet planes. We’d like another go at a war with Iraq. Perhaps we could have a practice war first, with a lesser country. Like Canada.

9) As a token of your good will, hand over your 2026 Men’s Gold Medal for hockey. The women’s medal? Keep it. Here, in Iran, guys rule, girls drool…

10) We’d like your special forces to return the body of our beloved and admired ’round the world, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. You’ll recall our fearless leader became gooey toast last week, heroically jumping into a freezing lake to rescue a school bus filled with third graders. Darn guy not only saved all the kids and the driver, but pulled the bus back on shore — WITH HIS TEETH. Some of our college students requested burying the most holy ayatollah face down, in a shallow grave, with his butt sticking out, so the kids will have a place to park their bicycles. Wise guys.

Don? One last thing? Be a pal and send some transportation to tote me to Switzerland for our next peace talks? I can’t seem to find a mule or non-smoldering transportation without four flat, melted tires anywhere left in our peaceful, Islamic nation…

Thanks and Go, MAGA!

Bob Ali, Private & Leader of Iran’s Republican National Guard.